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Mandela – A Portrait and Model Of Self-Esteem

The worldwide tribute to Nelson Mandela served as a reminder of the power nourished by self-esteem.   What is self-esteem?  It is the overall judgment of oneself.    High self-esteem is a quiet “under the skin” feeling of comfort with yourself, not to be confused with a sense of superiority or a need to brag.  It allows a person to set high goals, take the risks that are necessary to succeed in achieving and to persist in striving toward those goals even in the face of setbacks. It allows one to connect with their purpose in life.   It also provides a basis for constructive relationships with others.  It empowers one with the ability to set goals and the discipline to accomplish goals.

The following are ideas for developing and maintaining self-esteem in our biological children and those encountered in our neighborhoods.

 Building a Child’s Self-Esteem

1.  Set aside time to give each child your undivided attention without teaching, scolding or improving him/her in any way.  Remember, every five minutes counts.

2. Develop a child’s sense of belonging to family, community and school. A.  Share your feelings, interests and hobbies.  Let the child know that his interests, too are valued by the family.  B. Strengthen family ties.  Keep pictures of the whole family.  Teach children about their past and about yours. C.  Set rules that emphasize family unity.  Insisting, for example, that “in this family we build each other up, not tear each other down” can have amazing results. D. Develop procedures for resolving conflicts.  Many families find the “Family Council” approach useful, meaning when a dispute (heated argument or physical fight) occurs, a meeting of family members is convened as soon as possible.  It’s important in these sessions that space is allowed for emotions  to be expressed;  in fact, it works to start the session with requesting feelings to be expressed with sentences beginning When (name ) did or said (   ), I felt…….   It’s a great training that demonstrates   anger stems from emotional upsets, reveals the source and allows for healing.  It also provides a method of self-control and anger management, a sorely needed skill in this day and time.

3. Increase your child’s responsibility and power.  Teach choice.  Tell your child that life doesn’t just happen to you, but rather is a “do-it-yourself” – the results depending on the choices made.  Help children see how they make decisions and how their choosing differently could produce different results.  This should not be making wrong, just providing another tool for use. Most importantly, teach children that they are responsible for what they feel, that they cannot blame others for their feelings.  Support them in identifying and tracing the source of upsets – assisting them in getting to the root of the feeling. Needless to say, the adult must demonstrate the ability to model and share their experiences in anger mastery.

4. Teach the importance of participating and earning one’s keep.  Even a toddler can carry the waste basket to the door.  Working for or toward something they want, thereby earning it, contributes to helping children learn responsibility.

5. Never do for a child what he can do for himself.  There are exceptions, of course, such as when she is ill.

6. Help your child experience success.  Break difficult tasks into small steps and offer help and encouragement.  Focus on child’s strengths and aptitudes.  Encourage your child to take on increasingly challenging tasks and responsibilities and (within limits) to take risks.  Help children set their own goals and devise plans for their accomplishments.

7. Avoid criticism, comparison and competition.  Destructive criticism cripples children more than physical handicap.  Comparing a child to others is also often harmful to a sense of competence and power.  Competition (especially among siblings) frequently breeds feelings of inferiority in the loser and guilt in the winner.

8. Respect a child’s uniqueness.  It is extremely important to inspire children about their own potential.  Look for and acknowledge ways in which your child has a special approach to a task.

9. Discipline wisely.  An effective system of discipline allows a parent to manage a child’s behavior without resorting to anger, yelling or manipulation… all of which can damage your parent-child relationship.

10. Assess your own self-esteem.  One of the most powerful ways parents help their children’s self-esteem is by building their own.  Parents with low self-esteem tend to have trouble facilitating self-worth in their children.

**Reprints from “Network for Public Schools” Fall 1987 Edition.

Join PN in demonstrating “What you focus on increases”- Keeping the Spirit of Nelson Mandela alive-passing it to our children.   parentsnotebook@yahoo.com

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Free Agent Frenzy

6

By Eddie Castro

For just the second time in the past 19 seasons, the New York Yankees missed the playoffs. Going into next season, there are sure to be many changes to the team for the 2014 campaign. Although it would be a sure thing that the team would look different come April, the Yanks were looking to keep a few of their key players. One player General Manager Brian Cashman had a significant interest in keeping in pinstripes was all-star second baseman Robinson Cano. Cano, who is represented by Jay-Z, was reportedly seeking a 10-year deal in the range of around $300 million. It was then reported that Cano’s campaign was willing to settle for around $250 million. Although Cano would appear to be the face of the team when Derek Jeter decides to hang it up, Yankees management did not budge to meet his demands and offered Cano a deal of 7 years, worth $175 million. Days later, it was reported that there was another team in the run for his services. Cano traveled to Seattle and inked a 10-year/$240 million dollar contract from the Seattle Mariners thus leaving the Yanks with one less bat and no second baseman. The team also let Curtis Granderson go as he signed a 4-year/$60 million dollar deal with the Mets.

A few hours after the Cano deal was reported the Yankees wasted no time doing some holiday shopping. After signing catcher Brian McCann to a 5-year/$85 million dollar deal, the Yankees struck again coming to terms on a 7-year deal worth $153 million dollars with former Red Sox center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury. You would think the Yankees would be done acquiring players right? Think again! A few days later the team came to terms with another former all-star in Carlos Beltran (deal is for 3 years, worth $45 million), and was able to bring back pitcher Hiroki Kuroda on a 1-year deal worth $12 million. With those players alone, nearly $300 million dollars was dished out by the Yankees in free agency. The team must now address their pitching as there are holes to fill for both their starting rotation and their bullpen.

With the Cano saga, in my view there are two sides on why the Yankees letting Cano go was right and wrong. Why was it wrong? During his press conference in Seattle Cano thanked the Yankee fans for their support throughout his 7 years in the Bronx, however, he said he felt disrespected by Yankee management citing that they were playing hardball with his contract offers but seemed willing to sign a player like Ellsbury (again, played for Boston last year) to a long-term deal. The Yankees will not get the offensive and defensive production from anyone they bring in to replace Cano. It was the right thing to let Cano go because, believe it or not, the Steinbrenner’s seem to be hesitant to throw money at players now. At the end of the day, the team wanted to have money to sign other players as well as address other holes such as at third base, and with the pitching rotation. Point-blank, Cano is 31 years old. 10-year deals appear to be overrated for ball players. We all are witnessing how Albert Pujols’ career is spiraling downward after leaving the Cardinals for the Angels upon signing a 10-year/$250 million dollar deal. The Yankees are poised to do whatever it takes to have October baseball back in the Bronx for 2014.

Sports Notes: (Basketball) The Knicks are at home to battle with the Memphis Grizzlies in a Saturday matinée at the Garden.  The Nets seem to be turning it around of late winning four of their last five. The team heads to Philadelphia on Friday night to play the 76ers. Any comments? E-mail me at castroeddie714@g-mail.com.

Dr. Joy DeGruy: An Intimate Conversation at MEC

By Mary Alice Miller

An overflow crowd gathered at Medgar Evers College to welcome Dr. Joy DeGruy back to Brooklyn. They came to hear an update of her internationally acclaimed cultural theories of healing intergenerational trauma among African-Americans. Dr. DeGruy did not disappoint. Audience laughter and applause punctuated Dr. DeGruy’s journey through her ground-breaking research of post-traumatic slave syndrome and how to heal from it.

“The work itself has reemerged,” said DeGruy, with the release of 12 Years a Slave. “What we all knew science has caught up with. The international community is looking at the impact of trauma based upon epigenetics. Now they are saying that not only is there intergenerational trauma, but we also know that it impacts the DNA.”

Dr. DeGruy’s outlined her original research that looked at issues of violence, in particular 3 symptoms of post-traumatic slave syndrome: vacant esteem – not to be mistaken with low self-esteem – the foundation of self… the fundamental being and the perception a person has about that being; ever-present anger and violence (hypervigilance and exaggerated startle response that had to do with second-guessing everything and everyone in order to survive in a hostile environment); and racist socialization (issues of shame about Africa, debate about natural hair and good hair, saying “he was good-looking even though he is dark”, being light-skinned, etc.).

“We have taken on racist ideology and began to hurt each other with it,” said Dr. DeGruy. “It is us who are passing it on to children” via multigenerational transmission. “No one has figured out that we should stop transmitting that kind of foolishness,” said DeGruy. She said we need to differentiate healthy cultural transmission of our customs, beliefs and values from that that is adaptive and pathological.

In her research Dr. DeGruy looked at 200 African-American males between the ages of 14-20 over 6 years in Portland, Oregon – 100 of whom were incarcerated and 100 were not from the same neighborhood and socioeconomics. “The only thing different was racial socialization,” said Dr. DeGruy. “The cure for racist socialization is racial socialization, including rites of passage programs and culture-specific activities in schools or religious organizations.”

Dr. DeGruy found several stress variables that predict perpetuation of African-American youth violence.

“Racism is one of the things that creates a level of stress. The more you see violence, the more you will be violent. The more you have violence inflicted upon you, the more likely you will be violent,” said DeGruy. “Violence-witnessing and victimization produces more violence.”

Daily urban hassles are stressors that are normalized in a hostile environment, such as hearing gunshots in your neighborhood, sirens, people approaching you trying to sell you drugs, trying to find a safer route home from school and work.

DeGruy also looked at the impact of respect on young Black males among peers, from families, recognized authorities and institutions. The more disrespected young men feel, the more likely they will be violent; the more honored and respected they feel, the less likely they will be violent.

Dr. DeGruy described her experiences in Africa where she was welcomed home. She observed that Black people here and on the continent have a cultural value of full acknowledgment of each other which counteracts the vacant esteem of being invisible.

Her work was lauded at Oxford among her scholarly peers, eliciting the question: If epigenetics is true and real, then what have we done to them and how can we repay them?

Dr. DeGruy spoke of issues of restorative justice and equity and the necessity of circumventing chosen gatekeepers that she described as Black folk who are sick and hate themselves more than others do, including self-loathing teachers, facilitators, leaders don’t come to or live in our communities yet become representatives and spokespersons for Black people. DeGruy suggested “backroom” conversations and finding allies.

We have to understand the nature of injury and how to circumvent it, said DeGruy, and sometimes use an alternative theory such as intergenerational trauma or social learning theory which also explains post-traumatic slave syndrome.

Though her research focused on predictors of violence among young African-American males, Dr. DeGruy’s research found an unexpected result: young men had a greater likelihood of being violent as a result of the absence of mother (not only if she wasn’t there but if she was emotionally unavailable), not the absence of father. In addition, Black females are becoming increasingly more violent. Why? Because Black females also suffer from vacant esteem, ever-present anger and violence, and racist socialization.

In the Ninth Ward after Katrina, Dr. DeGruy had the opportunity to look at gender-specific survival processes by working with families as survivors. “One of the things that happens all the time is that the one group of people who were least helped or assisted were teenage girls,” said Dr. DeGruy. “Why? Because she was being parentified; no one looked at if she was hurt. There was the expectation that she was going to take care of everyone else. To the mental health professionals, the teenage girls would appear OK because they did not feel they had permission to not be.”

Dr. DeGruy explained that what has happened to Black women is they feel racism from white women, sexism and racism from white men, and sexism from Black men. “Women of color are the oppressed of the oppressed with Black women at the bottom. And who does the Black woman raise? Black children. That is the cycle of oppression,” said Dr. DeGruy. “We have folk that are broken and no one looks at the weight of what it has taken to carry all of that.”

“If you want to save the village, you have to save the women,” Dr. DeGruy said. “If she is healed, her children are healed.”

Events In Central Brooklyn & Beyond

24

Rally to Save Brooklyn Healthcare

Thursday, December 19, 2013 – 4pm

Join patients, community members, clergy and state and local elected leaders to stop hospital closures in Brooklyn  633 3rd Ave. (b/w 40th & 41st Sts.)

Sponsors: 1199SEIU, NYSNA, Interfaith Medical

Center Community Advisory Board, IM Foundation

 

Handel’s Messiah
Presentation

Saturday, December 21, 2013 – 11am

Bethel Seventh Day  Adventist Church

475 Grand Ave. – 11am

(b/w Fulton St. & Lefferts Pl.)/Bklyn

Sponsors: Dr. Allen Martin & Bethel Seventh Day Adventist Church

 

“Christmas
in the Park”

Music, Dance & Spoken Word to celebrate the “Reason for the Season: Jesus!!!”

 

Dress Warm, Bring a Blanket

Refreshments will be served

 

Herbert Von King Park

(Lafayette & Tompkins Aves.)

Sunday, December 22nd

Monday, December 23rd

Christmas Eve, December 24th

(These FREE 1 Hour Celebrations begin at 5:30p

Presented by Mt. Pisgah Baptist Church

 

SAVE THE DATE

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Tribute to Nelson Mandela/Emmanuel Baptist Church

279 Lafayette Ave. Bklyn

President Obama Speaks At Funeral For Nelson Mandela

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you. (Applause.) Thank you so much. Thank you. To Graça Machel and the Mandela family; to President Zuma and members of the government; to heads of states and government, past and present; distinguished guests — it is a singular honor to be with you today, to celebrate a life like no other. To the people of South Africa — (applause) — people of every race and walk of life — the world thanks you for sharing Nelson Mandela with us. His struggle was your struggle. His triumph was your triumph. Your dignity and your hope found expression in his life. And your freedom, your democracy is his cherished legacy.


It is hard to eulogize any man — to capture in words not just the facts and the dates that make a life, but the essential truth of a person — their private joys and sorrows; the quiet moments and unique qualities that illuminate someone’s soul. How much harder to do so for a giant of history, who moved a nation toward justice, and in the process moved billions around the world.

Born during World War I, far from the corridors of power, a boy raised herding cattle and tutored by the elders of his Thembu tribe, Madiba would emerge as the last great liberator of the 20th century. Like Gandhi, he would lead a resistance movement — a movement that at its start had little prospect for success. Like Dr. King, he would give potent voice to the claims of the oppressed and the moral necessity of racial justice. He would endure a brutal imprisonment that began in the time of Kennedy and Khrushchev, and reached the final days of the Cold War. Emerging from prison, without the force of arms, he would — like Abraham Lincoln — hold his country together when it threatened to break apart. And like America’s Founding Fathers, he would erect a constitutional order to preserve freedom for future generations — a commitment to democracy and rule of law ratified not only by his election, but by his willingness to step down from power after only one term.

Given the sweep of his life, the scope of his accomplishments, the adoration that he so rightly earned, it’s tempting I think to remember Nelson Mandela as an icon, smiling and serene, detached from the tawdry affairs of lesser men. But Madiba himself strongly resisted such a lifeless portrait. (Applause.) Instead, Madiba insisted on sharing with us his doubts and his fears; his miscalculations along with his victories. “I am not a saint,” he said, “unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.”

It was precisely because he could admit to imperfection — because he could be so full of good humor, even mischief, despite the heavy burdens he carried — that we loved him so. He was not a bust made of marble; he was a man of flesh and blood — a son and a husband, a father and a friend. And that’s why we learned so much from him, and that’s why we can learn from him still. For nothing he achieved was inevitable. In the arc of his life, we see a man who earned his place in history through struggle and shrewdness, and persistence and faith. He tells us what is possible not just in the pages of history books, but in our own lives as well.

Mandela showed us the power of action; of taking risks on behalf of our ideals. Perhaps Madiba was right that he inherited, “a proud rebelliousness, a stubborn sense of fairness” from his father. And we know he shared with millions of black and colored South Africans the anger born of, “a thousand slights, a thousand indignities, a thousand unremembered moments…a desire to fight the system that imprisoned my people,” he said.

But like other early giants of the ANC — the Sisulus and Tambos — Madiba disciplined his anger and channeled his desire to fight into organization, and platforms, and strategies for action, so men and women could stand up for their God-given dignity. Moreover, he accepted the consequences of his actions, knowing that standing up to powerful interests and injustice carries a price. “I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination. I’ve cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and [with] equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.” (Applause.)

Mandela taught us the power of action, but he also taught us the power of ideas; the importance of reason and arguments; the need to study not only those who you agree with, but also those who you don’t agree with. He understood that ideas cannot be contained by prison walls, or extinguished by a sniper’s bullet. He turned his trial into an indictment of apartheid because of his eloquence and his passion, but also because of his training as an advocate. He used decades in prison to sharpen his arguments, but also to spread his thirst for knowledge to others in the movement. And he learned the language and the customs of his oppressor so that one day he might better convey to them how their own freedom depend upon his. (Applause.)

Mandela demonstrated that action and ideas are not enough. No matter how right, they must be chiseled into law and institutions. He was practical, testing his beliefs against the hard surface of circumstance and history. On core principles he was unyielding, which is why he could rebuff offers of unconditional release, reminding the Apartheid regime that “prisoners cannot enter into contracts.”

But as he showed in painstaking negotiations to transfer power and draft new laws, he was not afraid to compromise for the sake of a larger goal. And because he was not only a leader of a movement but a skillful politician, the Constitution that emerged was worthy of this multiracial democracy, true to his vision of laws that protect minority as well as majority rights, and the precious freedoms of every South African.

And finally, Mandela understood the ties that bind the human spirit. There is a word in South Africa — Ubuntu — (applause) — a word that captures Mandela’s greatest gift: his recognition that we are all bound together in ways that are invisible to the eye; that there is a oneness to humanity; that we achieve ourselves by sharing ourselves with others, and caring for those around us.

We can never know how much of this sense was innate in him, or how much was shaped in a dark and solitary cell. But we remember the gestures, large and small — introducing his jailers as honored guests at his inauguration; taking a pitch in a Springbok uniform; turning his family’s heartbreak into a call to confront HIV/AIDS — that revealed the depth of his empathy and his understanding. He not only embodied Ubuntu, he taught millions to find that truth within themselves.

It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailer as well — (applause) — to show that you must trust others so that they may trust you; to teach that reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth. He changed laws, but he also changed hearts.

For the people of South Africa, for those he inspired around the globe, Madiba’s passing is rightly a time of mourning, and a time to celebrate a heroic life. But I believe it should also prompt in each of us a time for self-reflection. With honesty, regardless of our station or our circumstance, we must ask: How well have I applied his lessons in my own life? It’s a question I ask myself, as a man and as a President.

We know that, like South Africa, the United States had to overcome centuries of racial subjugation. As was true here, it took sacrifice — the sacrifice of countless people, known and unknown, to see the dawn of a new day. Michelle and I are beneficiaries of that struggle. (Applause.) But in America, and in South Africa, and in countries all around the globe, we cannot allow our progress to cloud the fact that our work is not yet done.

The struggles that follow the victory of formal equality or universal franchise may not be as filled with drama and moral clarity as those that came before, but they are no less important. For around the world today, we still see children suffering from hunger and disease. We still see run-down schools. We still see young people without prospects for the future. Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs, and are still persecuted for what they look like, and how they worship, and who they love. That is happening today. (Applause.)

And so we, too, must act on behalf of justice. We, too, must act on behalf of peace. There are too many people who happily embrace Madiba’s legacy of racial reconciliation, but passionately resist even modest reforms that would challenge chronic poverty and growing inequality. There are too many leaders who claim solidarity with Madiba’s struggle for freedom, but do not tolerate dissent from their own people. (Applause.) And there are too many of us on the sidelines, comfortable in complacency or cynicism when our voices must be heard.

The questions we face today — how to promote equality and justice; how to uphold freedom and human rights; how to end conflict and sectarian war — these things do not have easy answers. But there were no easy answers in front of that child born in World War I. Nelson Mandela reminds us that it always seems impossible until it is done. South Africa shows that is true. South Africa shows we can change, that we can choose a world defined not by our differences, but by our common hopes. We can choose a world defined not by conflict, but by peace and justice and opportunity.

We will never see the likes of Nelson Mandela again. But let me say to the young people of Africa and the young people around the world — you, too, can make his life’s work your own. Over 30 years ago, while still a student, I learned of Nelson Mandela and the struggles taking place in this beautiful land, and it stirred something in me. It woke me up to my responsibilities to others and to myself, and it set me on an improbable journey that finds me here today. And while I will always fall short of Madiba’s example, he makes me want to be a better man. (Applause.) He speaks to what’s best inside us.

After this great liberator is laid to rest, and when we have returned to our cities and villages and rejoined our daily routines, let us search for his strength. Let us search for his largeness of spirit somewhere inside of ourselves. And when the night grows dark, when injustice weighs heavy on our hearts, when our best-laid plans seem beyond our reach, let us think of Madiba and the words that brought him comfort within the four walls of his cell: “It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

What a magnificent soul it was. We will miss him deeply. May God bless the memory of Nelson Mandela. May God bless the people of South Africa. (Applause.)